75angels's Blog

Hello everybody!
       Check out my redone profile! I'm back and I'm not so down and depressed. I still have days of being sick but for the most part life is better! I'll be sharing stories soon, I am just redoing all my profiles. No more dark gloomy me...........   Have a wonderful day!!

   Hi all,

I haven't been feeling well at all. I am not ignoring ep so please bare with me. I have so much going on in my mind. I often wonder if people are just trying to push me over the edge. Sometimes I think about shutting off my computer and never logging on again. Do mere words on a screen mean anything? Is cyberland just that a fictitious place that we have created? I should know better.

    My eyes are getting worse day bye day and my head is spinning. I spent a night in the hospital but still no answers as to what is wrong with me. I will try to come in more. I miss ep, I am just tired of being hurt and I am tired of letting people in. I should just write my stories and help others if they need it, that is what I am best at.  Well I will chat with you all in my stories. Sorry if I sound like a hard ass, my guard is just going back up!

        I am making such good friends here on ep. Sometimes I wish I were a single woman again because this site has helped with my self esteem and I think now that just maybe I could attract someone other than the losers I have always been with. But I am married and I believe in the sanctity of marrage. I think People give up way to easy these days. I prayed hard before I married my husband and told God I would stay with this one forever. I did divorce once before but that was an abusive situation.  Well anyhow, Thank you EP for making me feel better about my self at least. I don't know why I am really writing this blog but I am. I'm not feeling well so I may sign off for a while. Have a good night. And to one fellow EP companion, you have become special to me in our chats, please don't disappear on me. Okay J I hope you get that. Goodnight.

   My step son is only 14. We just got him back from a state program. He was there because he got into trouble and could not follow simple rules so the took him out of our home and placed him in a foster home for 8 months. All that time he cried and said how sorry he was, and that he would do so much better when he comes back home. Finally we got him home just a couple weeks ago. Poof into thin air he magically changed into his old self. Hooked up with old friends, come in at all hours of the night. Goes to school when he feels like it. I am afraid that he might be getting into harder drugs than the pot he was smoking before. Then if someone questions him, he says we don't want him. WHAT!!! We went through hell the last 8 months with meetings, counseling, bowing down to the state. Now we feel as if we have to call his P.O. and tell her we just can't control him. Does anyone know how defeated and humiliated you feel? He calls his father a f-ing son of a bitch, and other things, and doesn't even give me the time of day. Our 17 year old daughter doesn't even want to come home because of him. Yet he blames her or us for all his crap. This isn't the first time we have gone through this either. He has a older brother that put us through years of hell. Finally he went to his moms after she was released from prison. That is were this one wants to go. Part of us want to just let him go yet we know he wouldn't get any better. What do we do. How do we except defeat? How many times do we have to be in the system? Why? I know my husbands alcoholism has a lot to do with it, and stuff with their mom. My husband is now honestly trying to make an effort but with all the stress from all the kids (6) only 2 at home but the rest are around. It's being hard for him not to just curl up in his can of beer. Dear God can someone help us?????

  Let me first say that I miss all of you. Looks like I will have a small window of time now and then to come in. I am filled with questions these days. My head is spinning like a top. I know now well have know that I can't let my disability get the best of me. I have a good Doctor now so I will be getting help. I want to go back to school to become self reliant and never ever be broke again! Now for the questions.....

   Say someone is divorced twice before their mid thirties, does this make them unapproachable? I am afraid no man would ever take me seriously, not like I am even considering another relationship. I want to get my life on track. I have a lot of healing to do. I am just afraid of being alone forever. I have vary little family. My Grandmother is 76 and she is the closest relative I have.

   I am a good person, I am just terrible at picking men who are bad for me. I know this. I was with my high school sweetheart for 13 years. At least I try. I'm going to get closer to God and learn to rely on myself. I know I have to do this. Stand on my own two feet!

   Well thanks for your time. Chat with you all soon.

To all my EP family,

    I am sorry I have been away for so long. This blog is to just fill you all in on how things are going. My health is stable, my husband isn't drinking much, he is however being a whole new man to me. A better Man and this has been going on since I got sick. We are dealing with the fact that some of our kids are going to be leaving us and moving to a not so desirable place. This is putting a major stress on the both of us, also our youngest is acting up in ways that no one understands and he is getting in big trouble for it. We have been to court at least once a week for the past two months, this time he will be in lock-up for a while. He is only 13. Being a step parent to 6 kids was a lot to bite off, then when their mom was incarcerated and they all came to live with us I knew life would be hard. I know these kids are damaged goods, I'll never turn my back, but after working so hard to help them, now they want to go back to her......That hurts. These kids were so violent and a total mess when we got them. So there it is guys, I just haven't had much time for the computer lately. I hope to soon. My husband is also still out of work and like all my spare attention, and lately I don't mind giving it to him. I do miss you all, Love you guys on EP.

Quiet Girl

I have been vary Ill. The good thing is my husband has stopped drinking to care for me. I have had a lot of care and a lot of people around all the time. I hope to have some me time to come in and see my friends soon. It doesn't take much to tire me at the moment. I miss you all and you are all in my prays and thoughts. Each and every one of you in your own special way. Please keep writing. I do read them. Your thankful friend Quiet.

Things are bad here at home. My husband lost yet another job. My youngest step son has court in the morning. My husband's substance abuse is over the top and I don't know how much more I can take. My step daughter is sixteen and doesn't even call us, she comes and goes as if she was an adult. Skipping school every day. We have my husbands family staying with us and my older step son's friend is here too. Kids old enough to be working are not and just living off us. No wonder I'm ill all the time. I don't know what to do anymore. I pray. I beg my husband to stop drinking and smoking weed I have even gotten on my knees and cried and begged him to stop. I just don't know how much more I can handle. Sometimes I want to just go curl up in a corner and die. I love my husband. He used to be loving and fun, but the stress his six kids have brought us has killed us. I'm sorry to blame the kids, it's the alcohol too but he drank less before we had all the kids.

I just keep getting sicker and sicker. I am tired of being of sick and tired. The doctors still don't know what is wrong with me. They see the effects but don't know why it's happening. I have been trying to get SSD for two years. I have an attorney on the case and has been for almost a year. It is hard on me to not be bringing in an income, especially because my husband can not maintain a job. I hat my life and what has become of it.

The worst of all is this is my second marriage. I am thirty three years old and feel as if I am failing again. I have lost both my parents, I have no children of my own, and I have vary little family left who I have any contact with. My Grandmother is in her late seventies and is really the only family I have. I am scared of my future. My husband is 13 years older than I am. If he keeps this lifestyle up he won't be around long either. I am so lost. I feel like I can't breath. I feel buried. I wonder what God's purpose is for me. I sure can't figure it out. I feel like I am living my own personal hell. Why am I here? Why was I born? What good do I do anyone? I feel alone and helpless. I know I need the help of god, and I ask for it, but I am not sure what else what to do.

So for now I am trying to hold back the tears and ask got for the help that I need but don't feel like I am getting from anyone. At times I wonder if there is truly a God, then I feel guilty for feeling like that. I go on with my daily life like a robot. Dealing with the daily rejections as they happen. Dealing with the physical and emotional pain as well as I can. I try to keep my head up but I feel almost robotic anymore. That's my life for now. Today's life and getting worse now that the holidays are coming. My dad's birthday just passed and I miss my mom and dad so vary much. They were my best friends and could always make me feel better and would give me good advise. Losing theme both within two months I felt my floor drop out from under me and even tho it has been four years now I haven't gotten used to it. I miss then more and more every day. OK OK I am going to end this for now.

      I don't know about all you ladies out there but I know what I wish I had. I wish I had an understanding man. A man who would make me feel protected, who would not be overbearing but be protective. A man who would hold me and make me feel warm and comfortable. Not a man who would talk at me but one who would talk with me. A man who would respect my opinion but feel comfortable enough to voice his own. I want a man who would hold my hand, wrap his coat around me if I was cold, open the car door, be the gentlemen. I want a man who would not cook for me but cook with me, who would take me dancing, and like to be seen with me on his arm. A man who would treat me as his equal. I want a man that would love me if I were sick, or if something were to happen to disfigure me. I want a man who would love me for me. I am a wonderful woman. I have a powerful mind. I deserve to be treated with respect and love. Why can't we find that ladies? Why do they all want mindless barbie dolls? I know what I want. Do you??

I have a couple EP friends I want to make Gurus. How do I do that?

       As most of you know that last few weeks have been extremely hard on me. Now I am not sure if I can truly rely on my friend either. I am reavaluating my life. No matter what happens thing are going to change. I know he hurts, I feel his pain and share his tears. His kids have torn him apart. I married him for better or worse, in sickness and health.......so would it be fair of me to leave because he is sick with alcoholism? He got down on his knees and begged me to stay, yet drank the next day, was it because he wants me to go? I don't honestly think so, he is sick and he knows it too. Life has been hell for him just as much as it has for me.

      The first time he slept next to me, we didn't have sex, I came from an abusive marrage. He just laid next to me and held me all not. I had never felt safer, I still feel that way when he hold me. Just his touch warm my soul. It's easy to tell someone to leave, get out, he is no good for you, but it isn't so easy to do it, or even to truly know the feelings behind the scenes. It's all so mixed up. The good and bad blend in.

      I do know I love the man. Whether I stay in the same home as him or move out, I will do everything I can do to help get us back on the rite track. I am not a quitter and I will not quit on him. He means way to much to me.

Yet I am still being held captive in my home of boredom. The drunkenness rarely stops. When I get on my computer he yells as if I were doing something wrong. No new work in sight. I hope for the phone to ring soon. I can't take this quiet desalinise any longer. I do online surveys, and I show them to him. Then I try to stop in, but he is over my shoulder, aways thinking I will meet someone better, or perhaps he thinks people will help me become stronger. I have no rear answers. He is sleeping at the moment.. Right over to the left of me. I hear him snoring. I have to go now. I miss you guy and gals. I will be back soon. Please keep me in your thoughts.

                                                   Quiet

My heart is beating harder as the anticipation of the next few weeks grows closer

my stomach has sunk to my toes

my imagination has taken me to the worst places it could possibly go

I am sure it will not be as bad as it seems, although 2 weeks will be an eternity

I will not let it get me down for I will walk away for the arguments

I will hold my head up high

I will not allow the drunkenness disappoint me any longer for I am I

This is me and I have my life

he will no longer take it away

I am in control of my future, I shall let him see

For here goes another day. Making new friends and getting in touch with old ones.  This day I have been at peace with myself. The contractor is done working on the house. The noise is gone:) The kids are in school as they should be. Ahhh all seems to be good. Now I have to go peel potatoes and vacuum the house as my chores are about to begin. My me time is over once again. Love you all EPers for making me smile and think. Have a good night or day for where ever you may be. Until tomorrow................        Quiet

What was one a electrical tingle from your touch

is now a urning for you love

what was once the passion from your lips

is now the absence of your embrace

what was once the laughter from your day

is now silence from your stress

I miss us, the way we used to be

we laughed, we cried

we would fight, but we would make up

what happened to us?

Are we gone forever?

Can we get what we had back?

Please come back to me.......

Yes most are happy that this vary day come, but for me it isn't the best. A weekend of drunkenness is about to haunt me. I'll deal with it again. I have a new found hope. A friend has offered me a place to stay. But do I give up? Six years, and I do love him. The love gets covered bye the pain he brings with the abuse of his substances, but deep in my heart I love him. Can I just walk away? I wonder if he would try to stop me. Oh the things on my mind. What am I going to do. I wish my world would just stop pinning out of control. What I would do for someone to hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be alright. I'm so scared. I'm so lost. I'm so hungry for love. Someone help me.

Well it's been another day. This one quiet and lonely. I wrote some stories and joined some new experiences. My husband and I are not getting along. He wont even talk to me. We sleep with pillows between us. We are like strangers anymore. It hurts so bad. My new found good friend was busy working today. That was good, I wouldn't want to burden him with all my depressing thoughts.  I am having a hard time, but I didn't let it show in my stories. Maybe I'll talk about it a bit tomorrow, or maybe just let it go. Good bye for today my friend..

                                                   Quiet

Looking deep within myself, searching for what was lost,

Now it seem I've been awakened by a soft and gentle voice,

a friend I think, some one new, someone I can trust,

With a whole new perspective on my life now, I can keep with the stride.

I look forward to the day today, to see if they are here, Now someone who care enough,

now some one willing to share.

It's not much but it is the first in over 6 years people.

I have met some great people here on EP. I am afraid I will not be able to be here much after my husband gets laid off. He gets jealous of the computer. I have gotten close to some people particularly one who has changed my life for the better. You know who you are and thank you. I have opened up in here more than I ever thought I would. I will be writing more. I will write as much as I can off line and post every time I get a chance. I pray he isn't out of work for long. I can't handel the drinking 24/7. I'll be here another week or so until then, but wanted to thank every one. You have given me such a warm welcome.

                                                          Quiet